Advice of the Day 1/07

("ding ding here comes the..." remember this pic mom?)
Do cars have a spirit, a life to them? I'm not sure, but if they do I think I have crushed the one in mine. How is that you ask? Well first, if your car does have a spirit, don't refer to her as the "Shitmobile," at least when you're in her. Second - which is closely related to the first - don't create a song named "My Shitmobile" and proceed to sing it while she is driving you around. Don't kick her when she stops running, don't hit her in her radio area when it refuses to kick out the CD you checked out from the library, don't look lustfully at other more attractive cars as you drive around, don't lock the keys inside of her during the cold of winter forcing you to probe and pry on her windows to get inside, don't go months and months without giving her beauty treatments and don't talk about how you would like to push her off a cliff or cover her in gasoline and throw a match at her when her fuel pump malfunctions.

So, even though you are giving me problems once again, I would like to say sorry to you Miss. I gave you a new CD player and front door speakers, is that not good enough? Although I guess that was more of a selfish gift being that it really benefits me more. I promise I will wash you when I get back from my trip, which thankfully you will not have a part in. Please don't die before I have the money to, um, replace you. Thanks.

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Advice of the Day 1/05

When you're making garlic bread you will have to stick it in a warm oven for a bit of time if you would like it to have a golden buttery top while still enjoying softness in the middle (I do this by sticking it in at 350 degrees for eight minutes and then turning it to broil on high for two or three minutes). Before turning on the garlic bread baking machine I advise that you check inside of it or you may start to rebake the cookies that had been stored there by your grandmother. Only, unlike their birth in the very same oven they may be in a plastic bag intended to retain freshness and edibility which, when heated to 350 degrees may melt to the cookies and cause a lot of smelly grey smoke to fill the oven and the room. You will not be able to eat your plastic infused cookies, but after you cleanup you will be able to bake some delicious garlic bread.

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Advice of The Day 12/25

When you go to get a coat from the coat hangers on the stairwell down to the basement, ask if anyone is in the windowless basement before you shut off the light that was already on. Why? Because your grandma may be downstairs doing the laundry - of which some is yours, thanks grandma - and you may leave her in complete darkness forcing her to leave the door on the dryer open to get enought light to make it to the steps. Also, don't go upstairs right away after doing this because you won't hear her yelling for you to turn the lights back on. Sorry Grams, glad you didn't trip over anything.

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Advice of The Day 12/22

Some advice to the lady that ran out in front of my car in the parking lot yesterday in front of the TJ Maxx...don't run out in front of me when I'm driving by the TJ Maxx. It's snowy and slippery after a big snow storm Lady and it can take a bit longer to stop a car. Even though I wasn't going that fast I'm sure it would still hurt a little bit to get rammed into as you go to get a hot deal. Next time look both ways when emerging from a fully packed lot, don't just run blindly, plus it was like 10 below zero without the nasty wind chill and running will make you colder. Thanks and I hope you saved some money, happy holidays.

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Advice of The Day 12/17

If you are washing a car inside a shop stall and the back of the car is too close to the stall door you should maneuver yourself carefully between said door and car. By the way, maneuver is defined as "a procedure or method of working usually involving expert physical movement". Do not maneuver with amateur physical movement because you will strike your forehead with the long wooden handle of the scrub brush you are holding and come away with a sore forehead and anger at a brush that you once called friend. Leaving the rest of the day full of awkward silence with a brush you used to have ...well... just normal silence with. And isn't normal better than awkward?

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Advice of The Day 12/09

When you turn off all the lights in the house and your heading upstairs to bed remember where the piano bench was at. Otherwise you may walk into it full speed causing significant pain in your leg. When it happens a second night I advise moving the bench further under the piano and possibly installing track lighting to guide your way.

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Advice of The Day 11/27

If you're doing the whole food thing today I advise you to eat mashed potatoes, gravy, cooked carrots, squash, corn, turkey, tofurkey, lefsa, stuffing, green olives, that cranberry stuff, rolls, buns, bread, pumpkin pie, apple pie, blueberry pie, brownies, cookies and whatever else is in the glorious spread at your thanksgiving feast. Tell the people you are around what you are thankful for and why you are thankful for them. Live, love, and laugh it up friends, this only comes around once a year! Happy Thanksgiving!

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Advice of The Day 11/25

When your vacuuming out a dirty minivan - like it's so dirty you feel like your gonna get a disease just looking at it - make sure you don't leave the doors open too long. Doors open = lights on, and if the van has a bad battery it will not start which means you have to put it on a battery charger, and when you connect a dysfunctional charger - which nobody told you about - it may start to smoke and you may panic and fear a fire ball may ensue (flashbacks to other shop experiences) and out of your lack of car experience think you wrecked the battery and did something terribly wrong with a relatively simple procedure.

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Advice of The Day 11/20

At some point between shutting off your car and closing your locked door... take the key out of the ignition and put it in your pocket or purse or just keep it in your hand. This is even more essential if you have no idea where your spare key is anymore. This key detail (haha "key" detail) could save you from having to: find a metal coat hanger, mangle it into a crude lock switch puller (rendering it completely useless in hanging your coat from that point on), standing in 19 degree WI winter wind, not being able to use your gloves and getting cold fingers because your lock puller slips around too much, trying not to swear around your 6 year old cousin standing next to you asking why you locked your keys in your car when you almost get the switch pulled up but the switch puller slips off, fearing all the while that the prying that you are doing with the mini crowbar will shatter the cold glass in your driver side door which would obviously cause a whole other problem.

In the end I did successfully break into my car and my cousin said "you know how he got them out? He did it with skills!" That is a pretty sweet complement from a 6 year old and hearing that was almost worth the trouble I went through...almost.

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Advice of The Day 11/18

Don't always listen to the thing inside you that says play it safe and smart. Go on the last minute unexpected weekend trip, lose a little sleep over time spent with old friends, admit to a feeling and act a bit or whatever you may be debating on doing...it feels great and playing everything safe all the time is not advisable. Let hope and possibility of fun guide and take that chance.

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Advice of The Day 11/10

When using the shop leaf blower keep your face, hands and any other body part away from the muffler. Apparently when it starts to sputter and die and you try to keep it running it may blow a fireball at you and then stay on fire, which will require you to blow it out.

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Advice of The Day 11/12

Move your wash bucket out of the way of the SUV that you just washed before you start it up and step on the gas...wedging it in firmly under the bumper. This will save you fighting with the bucket, cutting your hand, kneeling in the soapy water, getting wet pants, and feeling like an all around complete idiot. All i have to say is that I'm glad i didn't run over the Shop-Vac.

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